You can call me Joseph

That’s what my mum calls me when I speak about my dreams…after the character in the Bible…no, not Jesus’ dad…the other one…

Dreams that keep getting repeated:

I’m sitting at a restaurant (a specific one…down to the table we’re at…) and I play X a Keyshia Cole song.

It says all the things I want to say…or that I wanted when I was having the dream a lot. Now I have moved to another song….I’ve changed my mind…I don’t love him any more. Long compensatory phone call notwithstanding.W has given me the strength to realise that what my friend C told me was true.

Don’t settle

Look where settling got me…sad and angry. Why…when there are so many other people I could go out with? When I could talk of relationships happily?I used to want the boyfriend who didn’t call/text daily. Now I have him… Be careful what you wish for  is all I can say…

Dream 2 involves me working at said restaurant and finding X seated at different table (not ‘ours’) with a girl being in love… while I am going out with him. I’m all polite and cordial & act nonchalant about it… This dream is accompanied with a sense of peace… Like  losing what you never had is no loss anyway.

I think he’s tired of me…and afraid to say it…

So once I finish this post I shall dispatch a message directly that says

if this is working why does it feel so sad and dysfunctional/why do I have to prod you to get anything/ I want you more, so much more, than you seem to want me…. and that sucks

I’ll tell you how that goes…