I have loved this guy with varying levels of devotion over the last year.
And now I have (probably) made a big mistake. On the 19th, I attended a classical music concert with one of my very best friends (a guy with a love for technology, cars, and clothes who I love very much) which the two of us had planned on sharing with the one I love (a mutual friend). He did not show, sending me a text to say he wouldn’t. A text????? How cowardly is that? Man up and tell me you are going to disappoint me so I can tell you what I think of you: You are a miserable excuse for a friend. Friends make an effort for their friends….that is the essence of friendship. And you are making none.
I met up with my housemate at the event (a friend of mine who is also a friend with person X) and went on and on about how unhappy he had made me. Kept thinking of those little things I share with him. Our random sense of humour…our mutual geekiness………our shared love of films. Do you think he is sitting somewhere feeling these things…..feeling remorseful? I went on to sleep at her boyfriend’s (a very long story that involved three people in a single bed………….I know, scandalous….) at 0200 even though I had a 1000 class the next day (Monday)
On Monday, I was on edge because sleeplessness does that to me. All my friends who asked me why I was so strung did not believe when I told them I had been awake mourning this boy who made no effort. Not you…………you are soo independent. What man would cause you to be sad………………depressed? Never being one to bore people with the anger and pain I feel, I acted like I had been joking all along. Of course no guy could drive me to sadness and despair………no, not me…………
On Tuesday, he let me know he would be coming to my university. I saw him and jokily told him I had been angered (my friend and I had been angered, more like) by his actions but moved on to other things once I confirmed that he would go watch a play with me in the evening. I went home to pick a few things, ranted and raved to my friend the neighbour about the nonsense I had got from him, promised her I would give him a piece of my mind………….and missed the play.
I met him as he walked out of the play and there, on the streets of Nairobi, told him all those things I felt. I was angered, I was hurt, I did not want him to be impassive……………I wanted ice cream. I am not impassive, he insisted………..and I subjected him to my sarcastic comments, looks that could freeze hell over. Huh, I thought to myself……..does he think he will get away that easily??
As we walked to an ice cream bar, he spoke his bit. He felt guilty about not showing…that he was the cause of my anger……….he was not impassive, I just usually lead him to wear as much of his armour as he possibly could (talk about a blow to my stomach) As we walked away from the bar, in a moment of impressive lucidity, our man told me that his lousy-about-Sunday feeling had made him question if I really was someone he wanted to be with, let alone be friends with. Wait, am I missing something here? When were we ever together (other than in the imagination of all our friends)? When, I ask you?
I was so shocked, I just walked away from him towards a restaurant whose ice cream I love. I eat ice cream at any time for one of two reasons: joy & sadness. The one I love thought I was with him…and now wasn’t sure. On Saturday, I’d spent time with him and now he was unsure about how he felt. What? Did he have a switch he flicked? On (I like her) Off (She is irrationally angry at me)……..?
I told him, later in the night, after we had talked. I told him I loved him. Because I thought to myself……..what is this? I’m the independent, strong woman…….let him say it to my face…………I couldn’t be bothered about being with you. I’ll find closure. That is not what happened though……………he said he really liked me too. That he was a smart person but would never have guessed (I should stop calling people darling and hun…ha ha ha). For all I know, he just didn’t want to say it there and then. Maybe he will text me a week from now to say, “Umm, dear, I was joking………….”
What do they say about hell having no fury………………..?
He and I left the restaurant after it closed (my sad ice cream now gone) and I went to show him a cracked flower pot my friend and I call ‘crackpot’ ha ha ha………….and he held me. And everything felt right. His hand on my body, the way he held me close. The way he listened to me. He had told me he had no idea what I saw in him……and I had told him……but yesterday I really had an answer: I think love comes first and then the reasons follow. (from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s book, ‘Half of a Yellow Sun‘)
And then I wanted ice cream again (I had made a joke earlier about how I would soon have an ice cream baby) so we walked to a 24 hour shop and got some. Then sat outside and ate it. And talked………and my feet were held as he spoke about how I’d been wearing heels earlier (wow! he had noticed!) and I sang Tracy Chapman‘s ‘Baby can I hold you’ [edit 12 october 2009; here’s a video :)]
as he sat there, listening. I love him, really I do. And we both love Ms Chapman……my ringtone on his phone used to be ‘Talking ’bout a Revolution’……wonder what it is now…….
I dropped him at his place and had my very cold feet rubbed before he left and was told to “Marry him!” by a bystander before I drove away. I have never liked anyone this much (any of my friends can testify) so I really hope this thing will work out. But if it doesn’t……………..
I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all
(From Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem In Memoriam:27, 1850)